All I Want is a Cottage by the Lake

All I want is a cottage by the Lake, the Lake of Fire. I don't want any mansion when I go to heaven. Just a cottage will do. I want a cottage with a big picture window facing the lake. For all eternity I can sit by the edge of the lake and go fishing. But first I'll need worms.

Worms must have done something terribly bad, for, they have to go to "hell" for all eternity and eat people's flesh . . . for all eternity. Of course the major theological problem of this scenario is: Where does the flesh keep coming from? If the same number of people are in hell for all eternity and the worms consume their flesh, surely the worms will run out of flesh pretty quickly. And if the worms consume their flesh that would mean that the nervous system of the humans in "hell" would be eaten up as well, plus their intestines and brains and eyes etc. The only thing left to eat would be their bones and we know that worms don't eat bones. Since they would have no flesh to burn and no nervous system to feel the flames, well, there would be no torment at all. Well, I guess that just blew the eternal tormentist theory of hell to kingdom come! Thank God for worms!

Actually I see that God is a great planner. He loves worms. He raises worms on the side . . . kind of a pastime to keep Him occupied. Anyway, we all know that worms need fed. The best food for worms? Yep, you guessed it . . . HUMANS! Worms aren't very picky. God created them that way you know. It doesn't matter to them if they are fed men, women or children. It's all the same to them. And just like Wonder bread builds strong bodies 12 ways, (or is it 10 now?) so humans build strong worms 12 ways. You see, God has people eat Wonder bread so that His worms stay healthy. Pretty clever of Him don't you think? But, you may ask, Why does God have this thing about worms? Good question! God has to have some way of wiping every tear away for all eternity so He is going to make His new found believers "fishers of men." They will take outings to the edge of the lake . . . the lake of fire. There they will take these super worms that are impervious to fire, and cast them into the lake of fire. People will be crying out for just a drop of water you know and we all know that worms are over 90% water so the people in the lake of fire will fight over these worms. The lake is really gonna churn when a worm hits it . . . it will be like a hundred big mouth bass all fighting at the same time for a worm. And just before they haul one of them humans in the lake of fire to the shore . . . they'll snip the line! Now that's what I call fun! And just think, this will go on for all eternity! I already have a cottage by the lake . . . the lake of fire. For all eternity I can watch the red glow in my big picture window. It will neither be the red glow of a sunrise or sunset but it is the red glow of the lake. What a glorious glow it will be especially knowing that all my loved ones are in there. See, hell aint so bad. It's all how you look at it! I gotta hand it to God though, He sure planned this out beautifully!

Love, with major tongue in cheek!

Tony Nungesser

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